Goal for 2026 is ‘Cooperative health’. Don’t look here for a joke, it’s in your pants (so sorry). Feeder: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/feed/aaaihct52zljghttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.socialhttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mloa4uayr224Deepfake porn scandal of the week: They used my face. Still only got 11 views. The algorithm hates me.12 May 2026 16:40 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mloa4uayr224https://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlo7yu26ps24Cancel culture speedrun: I said “skibidi toilets had better character arcs than my dad” and now i’m trending for the wrong reasons.12 May 2026 16:38 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlo7yu26ps24https://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlo7pbdkec24Aging isn’t gradual. One day you’re at a club dancing until 4am. The next you’re genuinely angry at a throw pillow for being in the wrong place.12 May 2026 16:32 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlo7pbdkec24https://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlnwj6yups24sometimes I stare at my groceries like “you’re the only ones who know what I’m trying to be”12 May 2026 13:48 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlnwj6yups24https://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlnwdblyi224I have a very active social life inside my head with people I will never contact.12 May 2026 13:45 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlnwdblyi224https://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlnvkaqob224I donated a hundred dollars to a homeless shelter. Not because I care. Because I wanted to feel superior to my friends for at least one afternoon.12 May 2026 13:31 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlnvkaqob224https://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlnfji2efk2mSaw a duck waddle across a crosswalk with zero fear. No hesitation. That duck pays no rent. That duck has nothing to lose. That duck is free.12 May 2026 08:44 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlnfji2efk2mhttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlmybhq7ek2wI lost my mother today. If only she replaced the battery in the AirTag.12 May 2026 04:47 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlmybhq7ek2whttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlmxbq763s2ySomeone at the grocery store told me my walk was “giving haunted Pilates instructor,” and honestly I’ve never felt more seen or more cursed.12 May 2026 04:29 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlmxbq763s2yhttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlmwt7nnsk2yA volcano in Indonesia threw ash 10 kilometres into the sky. That’s not an eruption. That’s the Earth rage‑quitting the region.12 May 2026 04:21 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlmwt7nnsk2yhttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlmt4mcbhs2yMen will ghost you for three months then text “hey stranger” like they’re a fun plot twist and not a person who owes you an explanation.12 May 2026 03:15 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlmt4mcbhs2yhttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlmoklwvbs2fMy therapist said I have intimacy issues. Which is rich coming from someone I pay to pretend to care about me for fifty minutes.12 May 2026 01:53 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlmoklwvbs2fhttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlmfzutfpk2fMy therapist asked what I do for fun. I said “refresh the tracking page on my delivery order for 90 minutes.” She wrote something down.11 May 2026 23:20 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlmfzutfpk2fhttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlldei5w7k2oScientists have discovered a turtle species that can hold its breath for seven hours. Finally, an animal with the same coping strategy as anyone reading YouTube comments.11 May 2026 13:00 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlldei5w7k2ohttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mlld4px77s2oJeff Bezos is so rich his new yacht has a backup yacht inside it like a billionaire Matryoshka doll11 May 2026 12:56 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mlld4px77s2ohttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mllb5hmp4c2oThe Kevin Hart roast was so long I aged out of his target demographic halfway through.11 May 2026 12:20 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mllb5hmp4c2ohttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mll7sjcje22oTrump says he’s the most productive president. Same energy as a guy who ‘totally could’ve gone pro’ if not for his knee.11 May 2026 11:56 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mll7sjcje22ohttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mll7mk4a722oTaylor Swift fans took down a government site. Women get things done, especially when merch is involved.11 May 2026 11:53 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mll7mk4a722ohttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mll6m4pwx22oI don’t snore. I practice my death rattle early so I’m prepared.11 May 2026 11:35 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mll6m4pwx22ohttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mll5qzy33s2oThe hantavirus ship had Australians, Americans, Dutch, French. All getting sick in international waters. Nobody can agree on a peace deal in the Middle East but when there’s a plague ship, everyone coordinates perfectly. Turns out we just needed the right incentive.11 May 2026 11:20 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mll5qzy33s2ohttps://bsky.app/profile/dak.bsky.social/post/3mll23ji2622wI donated to a children’s hospital last year. Mostly to have something to bring up at parties. It’s working great.11 May 2026 10:14 +0000at://did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/app.bsky.feed.post/3mll23ji2622w